“Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart?” Carlos Castaneda
Yes week 9 is coming in a little late…I have restarted and rewritten it multiple times since last week Wednesday, LOL!
I found myself feeling like I was writing for someone else, so I sat with that!
Well, I finally, truly, got the message that “I’ve always lived my life for others, with “Random Moments of Anne”
Though i have been taking mysekf and my power back pieve by piece this year and have been realizing that the life I am living is the culmination of decisions made always outting others first.
as a child I always did what would keep the family calm, coming from a verbally and sometimes physically abusive family, I learned at a very young age to be a “good girl “, so as not to be the subject of more anger and fear that those around me were feeling.
Going to Catholic school for 12 years, I learned to be the “perfect girl “, so as not to get in trouble, embarrassed in the front of my classmates, not have my parents find out if I was bad so I’d be in trouble at home too and just to keep the peace all around.
When I was married, I made the wrong choice because I was running away from my childhood instead of running toward something that I really wanted. So I spey another 14 years trying to keep the peace in my own home with my husband and children, so he would not take out his anger and abuse on myself for the children. Living with an alcoholic, drug abuser is a dance with the devil, trying to save yourself and your family.
Then becoming a single mom with three small children and moving across the country, with no friends or family was a whole new reality. I made some bad choices, I’ve had some great successes but all these years my children always came first! It is been my greatest gift, my greatest challenge and sometimes now my greatest sadness. all three of them to be wonderful adults, they’re all married, two of them have children and I know there’s more coming soon! I love them dearly, but since they all live in different places and I don’t see them as much as I used to it sometime sad to not be there for my grandkids like I’d like or have more time with my children.
So looking back I realize that now that they’re grown and doing well, yes I need to find more time and money freedom so that I can see them and be there for the exciting moments and they and their children’s lives, but it’s time that I am true to myself and figure out who I want to be and what I want to do in this next chapter of my life….for me & by me.
Not that I am not grateful for all the Lord has brought me through, done for me and me my family! It’s all path, it’s all part of my life….the crooked road that lead me here!